Before you can read this article filled with some of the best weight loss secrets for men and women, I first need you to perform a few very simple tasks.
First, look to your left and your right. Then, turn around and look behind you. After that, slowly bend down and look under your desk. Did you do it all? Ok… now… was anyone there? Did you see someone? Was anyone watching you?
If there was, I need you to close your web browser immediately, turn off your computer and pretend you were never even here. But if the coast was clear, feel free to continue on to the weight loss secrets.
The Unbelievably True List Of Weight Loss Secrets
- Junk food is bad. Shhhhhh! Don’t tell anyone I told you this… but you know all of those really tasty but totally junky foods that are highly processed and loaded with sugar and/or calories? Well… they are really easy to overeat, and if your goal is losing weight, then you need to avoid overeating. So, try to eat less of these types of foods and instead replace them with more higher quality, filling, nutrient-dense foods. But… let’s just keep this between you and me.
- You know how when you eat a lot of food on a regular basis, much more than you should be eating… you know how you sort of gain weight and become fat? Well… I heard from this guy who told somebody… eating less food instead of more food is a good thing to do when trying to lose weight! Seriously… I swear this is true! But again… DO NOT tell anyone. These are weight loss secrets, remember? Let’s keep it on the down low.
- Shhhhhhhhh! Come close… closer… closerrr… closerrrrrrrr… weight lifting burns calories, builds muscle and is key for maintaining muscle while losing fat. So if weight loss is your goal, you should create a proper workout routine and stick to it. You didn’t hear this from me though.
- If you have a choice between eating a McDonald’s cheese burger with a side of fries, or eating grilled chicken breast with a side of vegetables… go with the chicken and vegetables. This comes directly from a top secret document labeled “best weight loss secrets” that was found in a locked vault at the Diet And Fitness Institute Of The World. If anyone asks you about it, you know nothing!
- You better make sure you keep quiet about this next one, because it’s one of the few weight loss secrets that virtually nobody knows about. The next time you eat or buy food that comes in some type of box, jar, can, bag or container of some kind… flip it over! There is this secretly hidden listing of how many calories, carbs, fat and protein that food contains. I know, I know. You think I’m making this up. I would have thought the same thing if I didn’t see it for myself. But it’s for real! Most people only look at the front of the package. Well… SURPRISE! There’s a secret on the back! Now you’ll know more about the food you are eating, and this is vital for achieving your weight loss goals.
- Go into your kitchen. Make sure you’re not being followed. See that thing in the middle? It’s kind of like a big square hole in your kitchen counter. See it? There may be some type of knob or handle at the top of it. Got it? Now… if you turn that knob or lift that handle… something comes out. It’s like a clear liquid of some kind. Now here’s the real kicker… go get some type of container (for example, a cup) and gather some inside it. Then… get this… you’re going to drink it! Yes… really! Not just once, but many times throughout the day… every day! You’re not going to believe this, but they even sell it in stores in what’s called a “bottle.” Seriously! You can actually go into a store and buy a “bottle” of this clear calorie-free liquid. Drinking a lot of this stuff is good for you, especially when it replaces calorie-filled garbage like soda, sports drinks and fruit juices. Just make sure you keep your mouth shut about it, ok?
- Pssst! Hey you! Yeah, you over there. Interested in the best weight loss secrets for both men and women? Well then hang on to your seat. This one is going to blow you away! There is a difference between the fat in cookies or fast food and the fat in nuts or fish. Don’t mention this to anyone… but the fat that’s in nuts and fish (and fish oil supplements) is way better for you than the fat in those other foods.
- Can I trust you? I mean seriously… can I? You sure? Ok then… get this… you know high protein foods? Yeah well, high protein foods are actually higher in protein than low protein foods, and eating more of them is key in keeping you full and satisfied while losing weight. I know… I didn’t believe it either. But that does NOT leave this room!! You got that?!?!
- I promised myself I wasn’t going to do this. I swore on the holy book of weight loss secrets that I would never reveal this next one. It may be the biggest and best secret of all. Ya know what? I can’t contain it any longer. I have to give it up. Are you sitting down? Ok, here goes. Once you actually lose the weight… wow I can’t believe I’m really going to give it away… ok… once you actually lose all of the weight you wanted to lose, you have to continue eating right and working out in order to stay at this weight and not gain it all back. I know, it sounds almost impossible to believe. Take a second and let it sink it. I too always thought I could lose it all and then just stop working out and go back to my old eating habits and everything would stay the same. But no! It’s actually the complete opposite! You actually have to stick to the diet and the workout afterwards!
Now, if I find out you told anyone about any of these secrets… consider yourself in HUGE trouble.
A Final Important Secret: There Are NO Secrets!
Since I don’t know the intelligence level of everyone who will be reading this article, I figured I should mention that what you just read is 100% parody. The “secrets” are all real and true, but the rest was a joke.
You see, every time I see some kind of article in a magazine or online claiming to reveal weight loss secrets, I laugh. I mean come on… secrets… about weight loss? It’s just so stupid and hilarious at the same time. It’s stup-arious.
They really truly want you to believe that what they are about to tell you is something no one else knows. Some type of magic diet or workout tip that nobody has every heard of because it’s top secret and has never been told to anyone before. If they just said they were going to tell you to “eat right and workout correctly” they wouldn’t sell magazines or get traffic to their website.
So instead they turn simple obvious well known (and sometimes very useless) facts into these mysterious, confidential weight loss secrets that nobody is allowed to talk about. So, what you just read was me making fun of that.
If there is however any actual point to what you just read, it’s that if anything claims to reveal weight loss secrets, don’t even bother with it. It will likely be useless bits of obvious diet and workout information that will do nothing but waste your time.
Stop looking for other ways around losing weight. There are no secrets. There, I said it. There is no little tip or secret piece of information that will change the fact that weight loss occurs solely when you burn more calories than you consume (through diet and/or exercise).
If you want to lose weight, everything you truly need to know is covered in my free Weight Loss Guide. Wanna hear the real secret? If you read it all and do it, you will actually get results.
***NEW*** Still have questions? Still need some help? Well, after nearly 10 years of helping countless men and women lose fat quickly and effectively, I have now taken the complete diet and workout system I’ve used and turned it into The Ultimate Fat Loss & Muscle Building Guide.
It contains all of the details, answers, facts and proven sample workouts and diets that you’ll need to completely transform your body and get the best results as fast as possible.
You can learn all about it right here: The Ultimate Fat Loss & Muscle Building Guide